Hard Choices: Mia Magistro

Mia Magistro is one of my favorite musicians. If you haven't heard her work, I would encourage you to listen to it. Magistro wrote the CD Project Heal partially while in an eating disorder rehab center and then employed her powerful music to teach in a correctional facility. I was reminded of her work when a student posted her PSA (public service announcement) about eating disorders and had this music in the background. As I have listened to it again for the hundredth time, I realize just how many situations her music can apply to.

Talking with a student has caused me to reflect on the challenges of making hard choices. We all have the ability to choose: to choose our friends, how we spend our time, and ultimately, who we are everyday. There are certain situations that limit our abilities to choose. Mental disorders, past experiences and emotional connects all affect our abilities but don't ultimately control us. For example, if you have depression, you can't just decide to one day be better, but you can decide to talk to someone, possibly receive counseling and medication. You can decide to see the positive in a situation when you only want to see the negative. You can decide to seek help. If you have an eating disorder, can you change this mentality over night? Of course not. It is a long term challenge that needs a long term solution. You can get counseling, participate in seminars, enroll in a rehab center and follow a self-esteem program.

The new one I thought of just today is how to get out of poor relationships. I think we all go through this phase in life where we seek for approval from the wrong sources. It may manifest itself in the extreme with gang activity, violent crimes, or joining a cult, or seeking the wrong types of relationships and friendships. We seek for approval and love but in all the wrong ways. I think all mistakes made are in search of the purest love. It can be hard to find, and we often feel like it is out of our control, but there are always sources of pure love. We just need to know where to find them. And we need to allow them to be enough for us. Pulling out of abusive relationships is one of the hardest things I have ever known. Abusive doesn't just mean physical abuse but all types. The problem with abusive relationships is that there is an emotional connection that overwhelms the logical reasoning part of our brain and therefore our actions. You love someone that isn't good for you. It is so hard to see which direction to go: love them into reform, thinking that one of you will change for the better or abandon them to their own destruction while you escape to higher ground. I have gone both directions in different situations and I know it is always harder to stick around. Sometimes that is what they need. But I would only encourage this if you are strong enough. Know when to pull out.

Story: In high school, one of my best friends began going down the wrong path. At 16 she was heavily into drugs and in a relationship with her dealer. I tried to stick around, I tried to love her, I tried to help her, but she wouldn't listen to me. I was not strong enough to help her when she didn't want the help. I had to walk away. That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make as a sophomore but I couldn't do anything else. I found out later that she attempted suicide at her mother's suggestion but thankfully, her grandmother rescued her. I worried over her, I stressed over her, I stayed awake at night because of her. Talking to her years later, she told me she was the type of person that just needed to learn things for herself, by experience. I still didn't agree with her but I can't change someone else.

Looking back, would I do anything differently? No. I couldn't at that time in my life. I couldn't. I did not have the capacity then that I have now to deal with those types of things. I could have been so easily dragged down with her at such a fragile stage in my life, so I had to walk away. I had to trust that someone cared about her enough to help her. I still loved her, I still worried over her but I had to keep my distance to protect my weak self. But I learned from it and became a stronger person as I grew at my own pace. We can't save the whole world today. We have to acknowledge our weaknesses and allow those stronger to help us in our challenges. Sometimes the strongest thing we can do is walk away.

We can be dragged into so many difficult situations that are hard to get out of. We have to have the strength to do what is best first for ourselves, and then for others. If we are weakened by whatever addiction it may be, we certainly can't help others out of theirs. I know what it is like to bang your head against the wall wanting to get out and feeling unable to do so. You cannot win when you are fighting yourself. When you are in those situations, ask for help. Just talk to someone about it. Open your heart in humility and allow their impartial judgment and longer range vision to affect you. Chances are they only have your best interest at heart. There is always someone out there that loves you enough to help you.

Check out Mia's music at http://www.myspace.com/wwwmyspacecommiamagistro You can come listen to the entire CD in my classroom if you want. It is amazing!

Select lyrics "Dear Friend": I want you to feel low, When you try to leave, I'll make you insecure ... I want to be the first thing you wake to everyday, and be the last last to tuck you in and watch you go insane ... I'll never let you be ... And when you think you've lost it all, I'll take a little more ... I cannot say enough about your loyalty, and all the friends and family, you've traded all for me...

And a fabulous PSA at http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=2645175367486&set=vb.1198695218&type=2&theater

Interestingly, a post from one of my followers:

http://whereiwander-sierra.blogspot.com/2011/10/no-more.html?showComment=1319998463981#c7933488962498527514

Find yourself, find love

You girls always give me so much to think about. Every time I talk you I want to do another girls club and have another conversation and share more thoughts!

I want to base this one off of two different girls, one who has lost her group of friends and another struggling to love herself. Perhaps these should be 2 different posts but if 2 then 10! I think they share the same root of the problem. Follow me if you will.

Loosing friendships is hard. So very hard. In order to address the problem, we need to really dig deeper and address the problem. Why? Why is it hard? What do you want from others? What do we expect from friendships? Why do we engage in these relationships, so temporal and fragile? I think when we really trim back the fluff and get to the root of it, we want love. Human's have an innate desire to love and be loved (I have my own theories on that, but that's for a different day). We are programed for love, we run off of it. If I have one person who loves me, I can do anything - it gives me strength everyday, it fuels my life. We all need to give love and to feel love.

To feel love. That is the challenge we all face, and that is what units these two problems, as well as many, many others. I would even go as far as to call that desire for love the root of all pain, agony, and fear, self-induced and otherwise. But it can also bring us the greatest joy. We want to feel loved.

Ideally, our parents should be one sure source of love for us all. Many parents are caught up in their own problems - that doesn't mean they don't love us, it just means they can't show it right now. They do still love you. No matter what they say or do. Sometimes things just get in the way. Sometimes we both sides just don't communicate it very well. Our parents love isn't the end of it though.

Many people look for love in poor relationships and are taken advantage of and get hurt even worse. Be careful of those. Surround yourself with people that bring you joy and love you for you. No matter what. You deserve that love, pure genuine love. Don't settle for less.

Now the flip side of it - love others. Some of the people I love best in the world are ones that found me in a dark corner and just loved me. I can't express how much I love them for that. I needed it and I appreciate them and the impact they have had on my life. They are the forever friends - because they loved me when I was at my worst. Be that person for someone else. Find someone that needs your love and love them - wholeheartedly. You won't regret it.

These last few weeks have reminded me more than ever that everyone is fighting a hard battle, everyone needs your love. Love people 100%. If they only love you back 30% or 50% or 80%, enjoy their love. If they love you back 100% then you have a great friend.

Perhaps the most important: love yourself. There are so many people criticizing us, so many people judging us, you don't need to do that to yourself. Love who you are! Love yourself for all the amazing attributes you have or want to have. Even just having a desire to be better is a step in the right direction - be happy about it! I think we will talk about power statements next girls club - but remember to tell yourself how amazing you are. Look in the mirror. Really see yourself. And Smile.

Love is a process that we all have to work through. Be patient. Find yourself, find your niche, and find love.

Love.

What are some of your suggestions? How do we find love from others?